Ladies, If Only You Knew What Your Man Does While You’re Away…

In Africa, the man has always been the seeker; he is the hunter. Because he is the rooster, he should not be questioned why “the business trip” was “suddenly extended”, with whom he spent the night at the hotel indicated on the receipts he forgot in his breast pocket, or even why he couldn’t hoot just to proof he was “having the car buffed”. Nevertheless, the termagants of nowadays can spit on any rooster’s comb because they DO NOT give a damn: they are used to brawls anyway. Lest I digress from what women are dying to know today, I smoothly transition to the secrets that men would die closely guarding. Here is what he does when you leave him alone for a couple of days:

He Doesn’t Use the Toilet Spray

First of all, he does not close the toilet door. If he does, he seldom uses the toilet spray: he knows there is no one around to frown on the nasty smell from the bowl. Worse still, sometimes he forgets to flush the toilet after use.

Underwear in the Kitchen

Do not be deceived by his pretense. Safe one or two men, under that guise of gentlemanliness lies a careless dude who cannot be compared with a cornered animal. If you want to prove it, just arrive unannounced. You will find a squalid house with underwear (including yours) strewn about in the wardrobe, dirty socks on the couch, a coffee cup on the TV stand, and his perfume on the living room table. If you find unwashed utensils stacked in the sink, just understand that he can forget about them for as long as a week and they will keep on accumulating without his knowledge. These are some of the traces of failed multitasking.

Let’s get down to the broader picture…

Failed Multitasking

So you’re waiting for him to explain what happened with the burnt cooking pots? Surely, he can’t be late for work – he’d rather dress up in the kitchen while preparing breakfast. You know there’s no way he can wait for the steak to cook at the expense of that crunchy UEFA Champions League second leg match – he’d rather increase the volume of gas to have a bigger flame. When he comes back from work in the evening, he would be too tired to wash the utensils or put the dirty socks in the laundry basket – he’d rather strew them about and get going.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Did you know that as many as 120 Catholic priests in the U.S. are married? Having left priesthood to have a wife, Rev. Lee G. Ganim is, perhaps, the ideal point of reference. In fact, married men are now being ordained Catholic priests. I do not know for how long a man can stand sexual starvation, but personally, I can wait for Mavourneen even forever (God forgive me for lying – it’s because I know she reads all my articles). Ladies, if it unsettles even the celibates approved to serve God, how do you expect your man to stand it? If you are prayerful enough, then rest assured that he would (at least) wank in the bathroom, in the living room, in the bedroom, or even in the kitchen. Alternatively, he would take his burdens unto a hooker should you stay longer than a few days. A decent man would rather finish his businesses with her in a brothel guesthouse than desecrate your matrimonial bed. By the way, what would you call this if not respect? Or perhaps he would be too wary of that gossipy neighbor who has always wanted to have him.

And finally…finally…

He Prepares for Your Coming

In preparation for your return, he would spare no effort in exfoliating his real self to camouflage into the gentleman you think he is. Usually a day before you arrive, he would try to clean up the mess and put things in order.

Ladies, now you know. Men, forgive me for spilling the beans.

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